Is She Or He The One For You?

Is he or she the one I should marry?
This is a question that has been posed to many of us most times. When asked, our reply is basically, “…Don’t know, maybe yes, and maybe no.”

That’s not very clarifying, is it?

The reason we answer in such a non-committal way is because there is SO much that goes into knowing an answer to that question. It’s something that the person who is inquiring, needs to deal with in a very intentional and mature manner. They need to seek and gather as much information as possible. They shouldn’t just depending upon their feelings as the determining factor. That is because feelings often change. After seeking the answer to this question as a precious jewel worthy of finding, we believe God will reveal it to them.

To Find the “One”

So, to help you on this journey, we’ve come across several articles posted on the Internet that we believe you will find helpful as you read them. Before sharing them with you, however, please note that marriage is for “grown ups.” That might seem like a simplistic statement. You might think your intelligence is being insulted by saying such a thing.

But please know that I’m not trying to insult your intelligence by insinuating that you might not be “grown up” or mature enough, for marriage. I just want you to pause and consider if you are truly ready to marry this person or anyone at this point in your life. It’s not a slam against you as a person. It’s just a reality check that’s important to consider.

Love and Marriage?

Sometimes you can fall in love with someone and think that they would be a good spouse. But that doesn’t mean that either or both of you is ready for the sobering step of entering into a marriage partnership together. Marriage is to be a lifetime commitment.

“Some base their love for another on the ability to enjoy each other socially. As one divorcee shared with me, ‘We got along so well together. We had such a fun time dating that it seemed like love.’ It is not unusual for a couple to think that since they enjoy each other’s company so much, they must be in love. You can have a hilariously good time with chimpanzee, but that doesn’t mean you should marry one! The trouble with this type of relationship is that when problems develop and frustrations set in, it takes more than having fun together to deal with it. (Josh McDowell, from the book “The Secret of Loving”)

Communication Sabotage

 A HUGE issue to consider is whether you are willing to work on not taking part in communication games that people often play with each other. This is something that trips up more couples and sabotages their relationships than you may realize. It takes true determination and intentionality in order to side step them. Marriage is not for children.

Lasting love is determined by the action you put forth to sustain it. We put away that, which can cause problems. “

If you’re wondering if he or she is “the one,” start working together on keeping the lines of communicating open. Work to resolve conflicts in healthy ways. That will help you to see if you’re ready to proceed any further into your relationship. This especially concerns marriage.

Also, determine if you are BOTH willing to live in an exclusive relationship with each other for the rest of your lives. You are to be true to the sanctity of the marriage vows that are given, even when things get tough (which they will). Again, this might seem simplistic in considering this to be an issue. But you would be shocked at the amount of marriages that end up in divorce because one partner assumed the other would be faithful after marrying. Sadly, the opposite happened.

Involvement With Others

Flirting with others continued (or began) when one partner was bored with or became unhappy with the other. Past love relationships re-sparked and sabotaged the marriage when one partner “stumbled” upon someone they knew from their past. Then the excuse is given that they “never meant for anything to happen.” That sure doesn’t make the betrayed spouse feel any better. Make sure you each hold onto the values it takes to be faithful for the rest of your lives.

Another thing that needs to be determined is in the area of dealing with personal issues. I’m talking about baggage from the past, and expectations. You need to know that they will come up to the surface after you marry. That’s a fact you can count on. And when they come up, they will need to be worked on in partnership together. It will no longer be your issue or his/hers. It will be an issue you both need to deal with.

Laying Aside Selfism

If you aren’t willing to work at becoming a marital team, laying aside selfism, then you aren’t ready to even consider if he or she is “the one” to marry.

A good question to ask yourself is, “Would you marry yourself?” If the answer is “no” then you shouldn’t marry someone else and inflict yourself upon him or her. It’s important to take care of as much of your own “stuff” as possible to be a better marriage partner. No one is perfect. And there will always be something that will cause problems. But it’s good to do as much relationship work beforehand. That way things don’t get so tough for both of you later in your marriage.