How to avoid relationship killers
People,even though they are in a relationship, are different from each
other whether we care to admit or not. Ironically, this becomes apparent
as soon as they fall for each other.
If you ask the average person what breaks relationships apart, he or she might say money, lying or cheating. And that is true. But like death by a thousand paper cuts, there are even more insidious everyday habits that kill relationships too.
To create a truly happy, healthy relationship, every couple, of every stripe, should take the most overlooked and under-discussed relationship killers to heart.
If you ask the average person what breaks relationships apart, he or she might say money, lying or cheating. And that is true. But like death by a thousand paper cuts, there are even more insidious everyday habits that kill relationships too.
To create a truly happy, healthy relationship, every couple, of every stripe, should take the most overlooked and under-discussed relationship killers to heart.
HERE ARE SOME RELATIONSHIP KILLERS YOU SHOULD AVOID
Communication
The life blood of every relationship is communication. What is communication? It is a process of sharing yourself verbally and non-verbally with another person in such a way that both of you understand and accept what you said.
Communication struggles seems to be the #1 issue couples face, and it
can definitely tear a relationship apart if it’s not worked on. When you
can’t talk to each other without misunderstanding, argument, or any
kind of common consensus, your relationship is going to constantly be on
rocky ground.
Expecting your partner to know what you need: in relationship, we often
expect our partner to be a mind reader. We want our partner to know how
to care for us, touch us, and speak to us without having to ask for it.
Then, we resent him or her when he/she fails to do so. Learn how to ask
for what you need with kindness and clarity, and make this a daily part
of your communication.
If people are unable to communicate their true feelings about the
dynamic of the relationship and their life in general, it is a huge
problem. A relationship should be a safe place to say what you feel.
I know that it’s nearly impossible to fully understand another person on
the first try. People’s language is so intricate to their experience
growing up that we literally hear the same word and understand a
different meaning. For this reason it is PARAMOUNT to be thorough in
understanding each other before getting upset.
Controlling behavior
Most people enter a relationship with a deep fear of rejection, and this fear motivates various forms of controlling behavior. Controlling behavior falls into two major categories - overt control and covert control.
Overt control includes many forms of attack, such as blaming anger, rage, violence, judgment, criticism and ridicule.
Covert control includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal,
defending, explaining, lying and denying. Often a person at the other
end of attack will respond with some form of covert control in an
attempt to have control over not being attacked.
Controlling behavior always results in resentment and emotional distance, bringing about the very rejection that it is meant to avoid.
One has to be considerate to their partner’s needs. We each need certain things to function on a healthy level. If we do not get them we begin to grow angry, depressed, and resentful. If both parties are caring about the others’ needs this can be avoided. It is possible for everyone to get their needs met while managing the demands of life, family & career.
This is a problem a lot of couples face and it can absolutely ruin a healthy relationship.
Neediness
Many people enter a relationship believing that it is their partner's job to fill their emptiness, take away their loneliness, and make them feel good about themselves. When people have not learned how to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs, and to define their own self-worth, they may pull on their partner and others to fill them with the love they need.
Anger is a natural emotion, and if it’s dealt with in a healthy way, it can be a catalyst for growth. Unfortunately, however, if anger is not dealt with in a healthy way, it can lead to resentment at a minimum, and violence at a maximum, both of which are relationship killers.
Why bring up past relationships, if you want to move forward in your current one? Comparing one relationship to the other is simply unfair. Treat every situation individually to avoid any future arguments or woes. It’s cool if we can chat about your ex and how he/she was a jerk, but that’s all. I don’t care about every detail of your past life with someone else.
Disrespect in a relationship disqualifies the necessary mirroring, affirmation and appreciation that nurture a strong bond. Disrespect disrupts the feeling of mutuality that enables couples to draw upon each other’s strengths, enjoy each other’s victories, fuel each other’s dreams, become each other’s fans.
Healthy relationships have a 5:1 ratio of positives vs. negatives. Build positivity by focusing on appreciating your partner, not constant criticism, which erodes the relationship. Focus on the good, and you’ll soon find more good in one another.
Controlling behavior always results in resentment and emotional distance, bringing about the very rejection that it is meant to avoid.
Selfishness or Not Caring About The Other Person’s Needs
One has to be considerate to their partner’s needs. We each need certain things to function on a healthy level. If we do not get them we begin to grow angry, depressed, and resentful. If both parties are caring about the others’ needs this can be avoided. It is possible for everyone to get their needs met while managing the demands of life, family & career.
Long-term relationships require lots of compromise. If one of the people
involved is selfish and unwilling to compromise at all, the other
partner will end up angry and resentful because they won’t feel like
their needs are being met.
Distrust
This is a problem a lot of couples face and it can absolutely ruin a healthy relationship.
Distrust in a relationship disqualifies the safety needed for
connection, intimacy and growth.
Distrust may stem from a known or
feared betrayal, which left unresolved and unaddressed, slowly eats away
at all that is good.
Distrust, which persists regardless of apology and
change, may imply that mistakes and imperfections are not allowed.
Neediness
Many people enter a relationship believing that it is their partner's job to fill their emptiness, take away their loneliness, and make them feel good about themselves. When people have not learned how to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs, and to define their own self-worth, they may pull on their partner and others to fill them with the love they need.
Anger
Anger is a natural emotion, and if it’s dealt with in a healthy way, it can be a catalyst for growth. Unfortunately, however, if anger is not dealt with in a healthy way, it can lead to resentment at a minimum, and violence at a maximum, both of which are relationship killers.
Bringing up the past
Why bring up past relationships, if you want to move forward in your current one? Comparing one relationship to the other is simply unfair. Treat every situation individually to avoid any future arguments or woes. It’s cool if we can chat about your ex and how he/she was a jerk, but that’s all. I don’t care about every detail of your past life with someone else.
Disrespect
Disrespect in a relationship disqualifies the necessary mirroring, affirmation and appreciation that nurture a strong bond. Disrespect disrupts the feeling of mutuality that enables couples to draw upon each other’s strengths, enjoy each other’s victories, fuel each other’s dreams, become each other’s fans.
Criticism
Healthy relationships have a 5:1 ratio of positives vs. negatives. Build positivity by focusing on appreciating your partner, not constant criticism, which erodes the relationship. Focus on the good, and you’ll soon find more good in one another.
Being critical of your partner instead of voicing your complaint, or
offering critique without malice…it’s all about how you say it, not what
you say!
Infidelity, lying about money, hiding aspects of ourselves and our past. The truth will come out. And it won’t be pretty.
Fear is the opposite of love. The irony of course, is love triggers your fears because it renders you uncomfortably vulnerable. When operating from fear and insecurity rather than love though, it can slowly chip away at a relationship. Fear restricts deep and lasting intimacy by causing us to behave in a defensive manner rather than choosing a more heart-centered and honest approach.
Notice what your partner is doing right and praise them for it. Even
when you give feedback that’s negative, keep it positive with your tone
and by smiling and using humor and affection. Be clear about your needs
and wants, in a calm, non-aggressive manner.
Dishonesty
Infidelity, lying about money, hiding aspects of ourselves and our past. The truth will come out. And it won’t be pretty.
This includes hiding things from one another, like big “secrets,” but
also hiding feelings, thoughts, or just everyday events. When you hide
from one another, trust starts to erode. You feel like you don’t know
each other anymore, and drift apart. If you can’t trust one another,
it’s going to be very difficult to keep your relationship going, and to
strengthen it.
Fear
Fear is the opposite of love. The irony of course, is love triggers your fears because it renders you uncomfortably vulnerable. When operating from fear and insecurity rather than love though, it can slowly chip away at a relationship. Fear restricts deep and lasting intimacy by causing us to behave in a defensive manner rather than choosing a more heart-centered and honest approach.
When someone has been conditioned since childhood to react to life with
fear and anxiety, and their partner is unable to hold a healing space in
that relationship for it, fear will eventually corrode every aspect of
that relationship.
Due to past traumatic experiences and because try to repress bad
memories, they are emotionally withdrawn to their partners. This causes
further complications in the relationship.
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