How to fall in love again

Love is one of the most undefined and over-expressed experiences. We have all sorts of ideas and notions about it that either reinforce its importance or hold us back from loving fully.

We have ideas of how love should look, how it should feel, and how it should be expressed. All these shouldings cause us great struggle in long term relationships, and as a coach who works with relationship challenges and a person who has had her fair share of challenges, one thing stands out to me — being in love at first just happens and then through conscious choice and action love either stays alive or runs its course.

"Being in love may happen by accident at first, but I truly believe it’s a choice whether your nurture that love or not."

Here are some of the ways I see people erode the love they have for their partner and I have some suggestions about how to build that love up instead of tearing it down.

Reignite your spark

There are lots of great things about being in a long-term relationship: Research shows that happy couples, in many ways, have better health and overall wellbeing than their single or divorced peers. After all, a loving partner can offer companionship, comfort, and physical and emotional support when you need it.

But after years of marriage or dating, a significant other can start to feel more like a roommate than a romantic partner. Maybe you've grown apart, you're busy with work and kids, or the spark's just not there anymore. For whatever reason you've found yourself falling out of love, here's how the experts suggest you find your way back in.

Stop expecting and start appreciating.

I get it, sometimes your lover will let you down. It hurts and you take it personally.
What if you didn’t though? What if you saw it as being about your lover and them doing their best?
Even if you see their behavior as not good enough, what if you reviewed why you stay and complain, instead of improving your self-esteem and making other choices?

How would that change the nagging? No one feels sexy nagging a partner, it’s like begging for love and appreciation. Your lover doesn’t feel sexy and appreciated when you nag them either. It simply causes more distance.

Start acknowledging all the reasons you stay and love up on your partner for all of those reasons. Appreciate rather than expect!

My experience working with men as a coach is they are always doing their best in any moment, it doesn’t mean what they do should be accepted — especially bad behavior — however it stops you taking it personally.

 Be more touchy-feel

"Long-term couples don't touch enough," says Wendy Walsh, clinical psychologist and founder of AskALoveGuru.com, a site that matches relationship therapists with potential clients. "When we touch—especially skin-to-skin—we get a little rush of the brain chemicals that help trigger those loving feelings." Think about how often you and your partner actually share physical contact on a daily basis. If it's just a quick peck on the lips before and after work, make an effort to step up your game, says Walsh. She cites research showing that a 20-second hug can trigger a significant oxytocin release. "Most married couples hug for three seconds or less," she says. "So I advise them, two to three times a day, to stop what they're doing and hold a long, calm embrace. It can change your biochemistry, and you'll begin to bond again."

Do lots of self-care/self-loving activities.

It’s so much easier to love up on someone and feel super drawn and sexy towards them when you feel super topped up and sexy in yourself. Taking responsibility for your own needs takes the pressure off your lover and leaves you with lots of energy to share.

 Self-care / Self-love seems to bridge that gap and helps bring a serious amount of clarity around what you need, what you want and what is actually yours to heal as much as it adds clarity about what is truly not OK.

Sleep closer together

That same rush of brain chemicals can also come from physical contact in bed—and not just during sex, either. Sleeping skin-to-skin, whether it's full-on spooning or even just touching toes, can have relationship benefits, too. In fact, a 2014 survey presented at the Edinburgh International Science Festival found that couples who slept the closest to each other reported having more relationship satisfaction. "Of course we don't know if sleeping apart causes dissatisfaction or if happier couples simply sleep closer, but why not just try to get closer and see if it helps?" says Walsh. "Get the toddler or the dog out of the bed and try snuggling for at least a few minutes."

Stop bitching to your friends.

 Often your friends will blindly agree with you, very rarely do they ask “what’s your part to play?” Very rarely will they have an unbiased opinion because they love you. Although venting is good, there is a fine line between expressing and venting and reinforcing negative beliefs. A good therapist/coach is the most unbiased person you can pick to talk this stuff out with effectively.

 There is no perfect person but there is a fit that you can work with and with that fit, you become your best version of yourself and they theirs.

Relationships are messy and we don’t need fairy tales to feel loved or to be in love with someone. We need conscious healthy action. Life is going to happen and you get to choose whether you face it with love or not.

Limit technology

"If you haven't put your family and your relationship on a technology diet yet, this is the year to do it," says Walsh. "Nothing is killing communication faster right now than guys starting at their iPhones while girls are trying to talk to them at the dinner table, or vice versa." Science supports her claim, too: In a 2014 Brigham Young University survey of heterosexual women, 70% felt that smartphones and other devices were interfering with their love lives.

Walsh recommends forming an agreement with your partner to cut out phones and television at mealtimes and in the bedroom, or deciding together about specific times you will and will not use technology. "Otherwise, you won't give each other your full attention, and it's easy to become annoyed or feel disconnected."

Say thank you

When you fall into habits in a relationship, you may take for granted the nice things your partner routinely does for you. And even if you do notice them, do you let him or her know you're thankful? Gratitude is important, says Walsh. "Put a note in his briefcase letting him know you appreciate that he gets the dry cleaning every week," she says, "or touch her on the arm and thank her for bringing you Starbucks every day."

Solomon suggests keeping a gratitude journal, and writing down three things every day you're thankful for—whether it's related to your relationship or not. "It can foster a sense of well being and openness that can improve your connection with your partner."

Compliment each other

When you've been in a relationship for a long time, it's easy to focus on the negative, says Walsh—which can lead to nagging, hurt feelings, and dissatisfaction on both sides. Instead, she says, try to focus more on the good things and less on the bad. "To use a garden analogy, water what you want to grow; don't water the weeds." Letting your partner know what you love about them—whether it's physical, intellectual, or emotional—can actually help you see him or her in a more positive light, says Solomon. "When I have couples in therapy who are growing apart, I make sure they start our time together by sharing some compliments back and forth."

Observe your partner's passions

Likewise, Solomon says, it's important for your partner to have a passion, as well. And if you want to remember why you fell in love in the first place, find a way to witness your loved one in his or her most passionate state. "I have a friend who's married to a fisherman, and while she'll never share his love for fishing, she's happy to navigate his boat and just honor his talent and watch him in his element," says Solomon. "She gets to see him being alive and excited, and that's really the best way to see your partner."

Create something together

Once you've got your individual passions figured out, it's also helpful to have something you can both pour your love and attention into. "The couples who last the longest tend to be the ones who create something together," says Walsh. Often that something is children, she adds, but it can also be a business, a charity, or even a home-remodeling project. "Look for something you are both interested in—not just something you're into and you think your spouse can get on board with," she says. "When you work together on something you care about, you can see your partner in a different light."

Be there for each other

A 2009 study from Stony Brook University found that, contrary to popular belief, it is possible to be in a long-term relationship and maintain feelings of romantic love (and not just comfortable companionship) for many years. One secret to this lasting attraction? Having your partner's back, and knowing that your partner also has yours. Adults who feel secure in their relationships tend to have higher self-esteem, the study found, which correlates to more feelings of "intense, exclusive focus" on their partners. "Thus, having the felt security that a partner is 'there for you,' not only makes for a smooth functioning relationship, but also may facilitate feelings of romantic love," the authors wrote.

Work out together

Breaking a sweat with your sweetie may increase your physical attraction, as well as your emotional bond. Research has found that after being physically active together, couples reported more relationship satisfaction and being more in love with their partners—and that physical arousal (elevated heart rate, heavy breathing, etc.) can often elicit romantic attraction. Eaker Weil recommends hitting the gym together, or finding a class or activity you can both enjoy. "It could be dancing or Jujitsu—anything that involves high energy play can cause a rush, and bonding toward your partner."

Stare into each other's eyes

In 1997, psychologist Arthur Aron published a study suggesting that any two people could fall in love by asking each other a series of 36 questions, then staring into each other's eyes for four minutes. In January, writer Mandy Len Catron wrote in the New York Times about trying the experiment herself with a former college acquaintance. "I’ve skied steep slopes and hung from a rock face by a short length of rope, but staring into someone’s eyes for four silent minutes was one of the more thrilling and terrifying experiences of my life," Len Catron wrote in the newspaper's Modern Love column. There's no guarantee Aron's method will work for everyone, but it did for her—she and her test subject soon fell in love.

Take a vacation

If work and family obligations have forced you and your partner to put your love life on the back burner, schedule some time off from your regular responsibilities. Getting away may help you focus on each other (instead of distractions like the bathroom that needs repairs), but even a staycation or a long weekend at home—if you treat it right—can be enough to refresh your bond. Before you go, though, have an honest conversation about your expectations, says Alexandra Solomon, licensed clinical therapist at the Family Institute at Northwestern University. "It's important to discuss how much time you'll spend together, whether you want to have more sex than usual, and what you hope to accomplish in terms of your relationship," she says. "It can feel unromantic to lay it out ahead of time, but it will reduce your chances of feeling disappointed if you both have different goals in mind."